So I haven't updated this Xanga in god knows how long, but as a part of my efforts to procrastinate and simply out of a pensive mood, I felt compelled to, you know, blog. Post my thoughts. Whatever.

In a little under four weeks, I'm going to be 20. Out of my teens. Out of adolescence? It's strange because there's nothing particularly special about 20, no enchanting changes to my otherwise mundane life (but really when do birthdays ever bring about enchanting changes?) except that I'll technically no longer be a teenager. And I find that somewhat terrifying if a bit too obvious. I simultaneously expect nothing and expect grand changes, and this falls upon my head like some strange conundrum that makes me wish I'd been more young while I was young. When I try to think back to a time where I was petulantly youthful like I think all young people are supposed to be like, I sort of draw blanks. I can't remember partying and behaving recklessly, staying out all night, having a dramatic social life, or falling head over heels in love. I'm sure there were moments, but I don't remember spontaneity, which makes me wonder if I was already middle-aged at fifteen (despite what I remember of the angst of being fifteen). Is it too late to begin to be young? I'd like to say that it's "never too late!!" but I feel like with every year, I lose the ability to pretend that any intentional stupidity can simply be chalked up to my age and thereby forgiven. Like setting a trash can in the quad on fire and then crying about it. But I only did that just last week so maybe there's still hope for "being young".

So, the quarter is now over. Again. I feel like I want to go through one of my customary overviews of everything, but I can barely even remember anything that happened.  The clearest things in my mind are studying like a nutjob, running free in my single, bartering with God, food, and that's about it. Nothing special really happened. I kept my 3-pact alive by completely abstaining from men, mostly abstaining from booze, and continuing to not touch drugs, which was kind of an accomplishment.  I'm not sure it actually impacted my GPA, but, let's hope for the best while two of my grades are still out. WAHWAHWAH?!

Now that the 3-pact is basically over (thought it's still 2010, there's no more school so I have no incentive to really NOT do anything), I'm wondering if I should renew it. Seriously it's such a pain to not have anything to do with men. So boring. But good for me. I have mostly sorted through myself and more than ever, I think I know where I stand. The ironic thing is that now that I'm more self-aware, I don't know if it's really a good or productive thing--it's even a bit painful when I think about it, to not even be able to disregard the things about yourself you wish you didn't really know about. It's just good for control, but I've recently also come to appreciate the adage "look out for #1". ENTJ that I am, the T sort of goes against this, but it's really...important. Nobody is as important as yourself, so even if you have to fuck over your friends to avoid making yourself worse off, you have to do it. Not to sound sympathetic to opportunists, but it makes more sense to me all the time. They say that no act of kindness is ever wasted, but when it comes down to it, you can't be that self-sacrificing and still expect to be happy unless you have a martyr complex. And even then, are you actually? I think trying to be an economist is ruining my sense of faith and/or welfare.

Going back to school, I now have concrete evidence to oppose my belief that "it doesn't really matter how much or how hard I study", because I could have easily gotten much better grades this quarter if I'd actually given a real shit about any of it. This doesn't mean that I've learned my lesson and will amend my ways, because God knows I burn out easily, but now there's real evidence far beyond speculation. There really wasn't any reason for me to NOT get an A in Chinese (yeah, I feel the shame but I'll have you know I was going in functionally illiterate into a third year course) so for the next quarter(s) I am going to put more effort into that class. No more of this turning in homework after 2 months. That was taking it a bit too far. And also I obviously need to put more effort into Art History if I care at all about majoring in it. And talking to CAPS people so they can help me apply for internships and study abroad. Always too slackass.

Basically that's it. For some reason when I go back to thinking about this quarter I can't remember anything. I know I got closer to some people, like Tejus and Augustine, but for mostly everything else it doesn't feel like anything happened. It's strangely disaffecting. I know I had fun (HARRY POTTER WITH UCHICAGO! and Halloween was so cute as assassins, so I can't wait for next year!) and partied some, but...I really...can't remember anything. Maybe I spent more time in my bed watching TV and in Harper cramming ass than I can remember. These days are so busy, with responsibilities for quiz bowl and tutoring and my job and the 50 hours I spend doing work per week. I never knew what kind of hell I was entering until now. School is turning out to be harder than expected, but I made it out alive so...maybe it's okay. Next quarter's classes should be easier, much, so I can look forward to that and hopefully better grades, among many other things including GIANT SINGLE (HAHAHA), the return of VIDA!, and uh...that's actually the highlight, I think. The return of Vida. And all the continuing things like study groups and breakfasts with Augustine and playing Acquire into the early hours of the morning while drinking candy.

I haven't written here in months and months, which is kind of surprising but not really.  I used to be like this all the time.  And also, this is largely just due to my not really having the time to anymore.  Or maybe I do have the time, I just haven't really felt like there was anything exciting to post about?

Life has been extraordinarily same.  I've always had the sense that it was just going to be the same things over and over again, that there are minute and superficial changes but that the general feel stays the same until something large happens, some astronomical event.  Except those are so rare, aren't they.  Why I'm bothering to update at all right now, especially when I'm sure I will feel obligated to make my end of quarter/holiday posts, sort of eludes me.  Then again so does all of the homework I'm supposed to be doing but can't seem to find the willpower to do.  Oh, I don't know if I'll ever stop being a terrible student.  I think I have a lot of self control, but also none.

The feeling of sameness has just been crashing against me.  It's inescapable.  And it's confusing and distracting and disconcerting; it makes me wonder what exactly it is that I'm trying to do or trying to accomplish.  I had never used to have any problem following the beaten path, going along with whatever seems acceptable, correct, or easy, but I'm not sure if that's exactly around anymore.  Perhaps it's just more difficult now to decide what it is, in the first place, that is correct.  I guess, mostly, that I just feel as though it's second year and I'm really supposed to know what the hell I'm doing, and I still don't.  Maybe I never will.  Aren't there things I was supposed to have accomplished, known, and experienced by now?  Going through the motions?

Forgiveness Rock Record gets better and better with each listen.  Romance to the Grave is my new song.  I mean, I'm actually not totally sure what the hell the lyrics mean, but if I can take them to mean what I think then I'm really excited about it.  Maybe?  Hahah. I don't even really make sense anymore.  But it's reassuring, like I don't really need to know anything but wait around until I figure it out.  I want to say it's okay to give myself some more time on life before I feel like I have to know everything.  It's only when I'm 37 and have 2 children running around the house crying for food that I'm going to sit myself down and say, "Hey, what the hell, you're really supposed to know by now."  Except even then I probably won't.  I wonder if there comes a time when you actually figure out life.  Huh.

I've actually been on summer break for over three weeks now, which really means that I'm over three weeks overdue for both my annual list of summer goals as well as my end of first year recollection. Since it's 2:30 AM already and I've still got to run on the elliptical at least a little bit tonight to make up for having not done it for the past 3 nights in a row, I think I'll just start (hopefully finish, too) my list of goals. Unattainable or not, it's something to think about:

- Read (good) books for leisure. At least 5. Dorian Gray, Pride and Prejudice, Interpreter of Maladies, Lolita, and Nana. Those are the no-excuses entries. Everything else is who knows. I have a lot of books around, so we'll see.
- Watch up to 100 of IMDB's top 250. Seeing as how I've got at least 80 to date, this shouldn't be too, too hard. Gotta get the Star Wars in!
- Music up to 45 GB. MORE MORE MORE!
- Copy over the playlists from my computer, Eliza, to my laptop, Ann.
- Lose 15+ lbs (ah, a perennial goal)
- Clear up my current skin issues
- Learn how to apply make up in a more than slightly basic manner
- Drive by myself
- Learn to ride a bike
- Treat the b.issue
- Keep up with writing letters to people (only excuse for not replying within a week or two is being out of the country)
- Bake at least a few things here or there! Cooking, too.
- Be able to go back to school with a clear heart and conscience
- Eat all the things I've been craving (I'm looking at you, Jew bagels)
- See the people I haven't seen, miss, haven't missed enough
- Go to at least one concert
- Wear my contacts enough to never need to wear my pink glasses for more than a week
- Grow out my hair
- Get a slight tan. Slight.
- Learn how to make simple things that I can make in Chicago, too
- Acquire the necessary shoes. Black flats, black heels
- Get an LSAT book and at least...crack it open
- Study a bit for quiz bowl...maybe
- Find Hello Kitty wine. I must have it.
- Copyedit some of Naseem's story
- Write something for myself
- Have some fun
- Be happy!

Seems like a pretty full to-do list. I guess I'd better go now and save my first year reverie for a bit later, although I really should've done it ASAP. I really...should have. But I also suppose that having waited a few weeks, my mind is clearer now, more objective, a better perspective. That, and I'll have more time to think about it in the morning, in addition to being less tired. It'll doubtlessly come out more coherent.